Christine Greer O'Connor

This article is the second of a three-part series that I’m writing on couples and communication. The first article addressed young couples, this one is for couples who are entering retirement, and the third one is for couples coping with Alzheimer’s disease.

Historically, the retirement phase of life was considered to be a time for rest and relaxation.  Now that people are living longer and the retirement phase lasts an average of 30 years, retirees are spending these years of their life in a variety of ways.  They may decide to spend time on things like playing golf, traveling more, visiting relatives frequently, or purchasing a vacation home. Others may pursue a passion they never had a chance to before, like writing a book, learning how to play a musical instrument, going back to school, volunteering for a charity, or trying out a new area of employment.  Additionally, retirees may be re-hired by their company as a part-time employee or contractor.  The possibilities are endless.

Because retirement can make up a significant portion of a couple’s relationship, it is particularly important for couples to communicate about it and prepare for it.  Sometimes older couples feel that they have grown distant from each other over the years because of life’s many demands, such as childrearing and career obligations.  Retirement is a wonderful opportunity to renew a couple’s closeness and intimacy.  Talking to each other about the following topics is a good first step to creating the retirement life you desire.

Five Questions for Couples Who are Approaching Retirement:

1) What are your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs about retirement?  Are you excited about it?  Nervous?  Overwhelmed?

2) How do you envision spending time in retirement?  Are you interested in particular activities or hobbies?  What needs to happen in order for you to feel ready to take these steps?

3) What are your feelings, thoughts, and values about spending and saving money in retirement? How much income do you want and need to have to sustain the lifestyle you desire?  Do you want or need to continue working for a while longer to cover your expenses?  Do you need to reevaluate how you are investing your money?  Have you created a Last Will & Testament?

4) Where would you like to live in retirement?  Do you plan to stay where you are?  Downsize? Buy a vacation home?  Live with or near one of your adult children?

5) What are your thoughts and feelings about aging?  Often retirement triggers feelings about growing older.  How is your health?  What are your plans for diet, exercise, and medical visits? Have you given each other a list of medications you’re taking?  Have you completed healthcare paperwork like a Living Will and a Healthcare Proxy?

While walking on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. last week, I noticed a couple engaged in a lengthy embrace and passionate kiss.  I smiled as I thought about how in love they seemed.  My initial impression changed when I realized that the woman was crying and the man was hesitantly walking away from her, not looking back.  What initially I thought was an expression of connection was actually separation.  This couple was breaking up.

As I continued on my walk, I pondered the differences between couples who stay together and those who break up.  I have observed in my clinical work that couples who communicate effectively with each other seem to have a greater chance of resolving difficulties and staying together.  Couples sometimes tell me that they recognize the need to improve their communication, but they don’t know what they should be talking about or how to go about it.

As a result, I have decided to write a three-part series for couples who would like to improve their communication. This is the first article in the series, which addresses communication in young couples who are going through the quarter-life phase of life.  The second article addresses couples who are approaching retirement, and the third article looks at couples coping with Alzheimer’s disease.

Quarter-life Couples:

Often couples in their 20’s and 30’s are busy planning their future and making choices about marriage, children, career, graduate school, owning a home, and financial security.  The following are five topics that young, quarter-life couples should be talking about:

1) What are your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs about marriage, monogamy, and childrearing?  If you want to have children, how many would you like to have?  Would you like to adopt children?  What needs to happen in order for you to feel ready to take these steps?

2) What are your feelings, thoughts, and values related to career and finances?  How much income do you want to have as an individual and as a couple?  What are your beliefs about saving, spending, philanthropy, and investments?

3) What are your religious and spiritual beliefs?  Would you like your partner to share your beliefs?  What are your expectations for involvement with a community of worship (i.e. church, mosque, synagogue, etc.)?

4) How much involvement with in-laws, extended family, and friends would you like to have?  What are your expectations?  How frequently would you like to talk to, visit, or receive visits from your friends and families?

5) Where would you like to live?  Do you see yourself settling down in one place or moving around?  Are there certain places you would not want to live?  Do you prefer a rural, urban or suburban setting?